


Insanity

by Vanui



Category: Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha | Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-16
Updated: 2011-04-16
Packaged: 2018-02-07 05:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1886757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanui/pseuds/Vanui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When there's nothing left to love, there's only one road to take, and that is the path that Precia herself took: Insanity. It was only fitting that Fate do the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insanity

She'd known from the beginning that she wasn't good enough, that she'd never be good enough.

There were a lot of things she could do to make up for it, though. She could fight almost anything in the universe and win. She could be faster than anything and anybody in existence. She could sing. She could cook. Those were only a few examples of what she was capable of; truthfully, she could do anything she wanted to, as long as she put her mind to it.

However, this skill was useless in her current predicament. No matter how hard she tried, no matter how hard she struggled, no matter how much time she spent, there was one thing she could never be.

Fate Testarossa Harlaown was never going to be, could never be, and would never be, a certain Yuuno Scrya; because no matter how much magic ability she had, she could never turn into that ferret.

Sure, she could magically transform herself to physically look like him (not that it was a good idea; there had been many cases where someone would be permanently stuck in another form for the rest of his or her life, the Scryas being an exception to the rule), but it wouldn't be the same. She couldn't copy his mannerisms, his way of speaking, nor his particular quirks. Most importantly, she could never make Nanoha smile like he could, kiss Nanoha like he could, and make Nanoha  _happy_  like he could. She would forever be Fate T. Harlaown, and nothing would change that fact.

She felt a sharp, constricting pain in her chest at that thought, like a snake wrapping around her torso tightly, slowly squeezing the life out of her.

That subject had been occupying her mind non-stop, distracting her from her work and everything else she did during the day. For the past week, she had forgotten to eat her meals more often than not, and was not able to sleep well, if at all. She knew her appearance was a mess; she had dark bags under her eyes and a sickly-pale complexion, in addition to the rest of her ragged image. Long, blonde strands of hair stuck out at odd angles, and wrinkles and creases covered her clothing.

She also felt like the mess she looked. A constant headache plagued her mind, pounding in a steady rhythm that was driving her insane. Her body was extremely fatigued, and she knew that if she went out on a mission right now, she wouldn't even last a minute.

However, the last thing on her mind was her physical well-being.

The fact that Yuuno had proposed to Nanoha was the first.

Oh, she'd known it was going to happen sooner or later, but she kept pushing the thought out of her mind. There were things to keep her occupied, things that made her forget the reality she would need to eventually face.

Now that she was here, though, she realized that facing things head on was a lot harder than it originally seemed.

Just the thought of facing Nanoha scared her to death, while her pending engagement ate away at Fate constantly, provoking an unbearable feeling to emerge from her chest. She'd been whipped by her mother, stabbed countless times by various weapons, and blasted away by class S+ magic; yet, this particular pain that filled her entire being with agony caused her an anguish that she had not known existed.

This whole situation constantly haunted her, day and night, and throughout her daily activities, she felt a nagging need for  _something_.

For what specifically, she did not know. All she knew was pain, and her life was filled with it.

Yes, that was right. Only she deserved such pain, because she was an idiot! She was such an idiot, to have fallen in love with her best friend, the one girl she could  _never have, should never have._  It was a crime, she was sure, to be in love with another woman, especially when it was someone who trusted her so much, and had given her this trust even while she was her enemy.

She owed her life to Nanoha…

Shaking her head, she concentrated on the paperwork in front of her. Hayate, her ever-so caring superior and friend, had pulled her out of active duty for desk work, and threatened to lock the work-a-holic in her office if she so much as stepped outside. She closed her eyes and conjured the memory up.

"Fate," she recalled her friend saying, "I know that you want go and take your mind off things, but with the state you're in now, you're only going to end up hurting not only yourself, but someone else as well."

The commander had looked at her with sad eyes, ones that Fate found herself avoiding contact with. A brief silence filled the room, but before long, a comforting hand landed on her shoulder.

"I've seen the way you look at her, Fate, and I'm so sorry," her friend whispered. The enforcer stiffened.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," she had coldly replied, brushing the hand off her shoulder and walking briskly out the room.

That was three days ago. They had not spoken since.

Thinking back on it now, Fate felt guilty about the way she had treated one of her best friends. Hayate hadn't deserved that kind of treatment at all; if anything, Fate was the one who deserved to be brushed off for her stupid actions.

Yawning, she rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock. Half past 6, it read. Closing the reports she had been working on, the enforcer stood up and stretched, letting out a groan in the process. The setting sun basked her small office in its orange-red light, making the room feel even lonelier than it already was. She cast a distasteful glance at her plain desk and chair, which were the only pieces of furniture in the barren room. They were the bare necessities for office work, yet she found herself wishing to work on the floor instead, rather than keeping the offending objects in here.

It couldn't be helped. After all, it was only temporary place, and it really shouldn't matter what was in here or not.

She let out a soft laugh, without any trace of amusement in it. Only a bitter sound emanated from her vocal chords, a sound that came from the defeated and the damned.

Everything was temporary in life. Her mother's sanity had only been temporary, her happy childhood days were temporary, and the life she had lead with Vivio and Nanoha was temporary. She had moved out a while back, back when Yuuno had been dating Ms. Takamachi (soon to be Mrs. Scrya, but she refused to linger on that thought) for over a year, and Fate realized that it was not a temporary phase of Nanoha's.

However, she knew that this love of hers was permanent. How she wished it was temporary like everything else in this  _goddamn_ world.

Without warning, an intense feeling of anger gripped her mind and clouded any rational thoughts she might have had. She felt her control slip (her oh-so-precious self-control that she prided herself on), and her body moved on its own. There was a loud scream of frustration, followed by the sound of smashing wood on wood.

The red haze in her vision cleared as she took deep breaths to calm herself.

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In, out. In, out. In. In-in-in-

Hands trembling, she surveyed the damage.

She had grabbed her chair in her temporary moment of insanity and smashed it against her desk, sending splinters of wood flying across the room. The destruction rivaled that of a madman's, and one who needed to be restrained and locked into a padded cell. Feeling something wet slide down her cheek, she rubbed the area and winced when she felt raw flesh. Instead of rushing off to get someone to heal it, she merely moved the broken pieces of her chair out of the way and reached for the top drawer containing her band-aids, sloppily sticking one on the approximate area of damage.

She stood still for a moment, wondering if she would lose control again. When she felt nothing, not even a shred of emotion, the enforcer left the room without sparing it a backwards glance. She'd clean up tomorrow.

* * *

"Fate-mama?" an innocent voice asked. The mother in question let out a gentle "Hmm?", before closing the report she had been reading to face her small daughter. They were sitting on the three-person couch in the living room, the TV in the back broadcasting a children's cartoon for Vivio's amusement.

The girl slid closer to her mother and placed herself comfortably on Fate's lap. The burgundy-eyed woman wrapped her arms around her daughter in response. The eight year-old then looked up at her mama's face and asked, "Why does Nanoha-mama spend so much time with Uncle Yuuno?"

A silence hung in the air. Fate struggled for a moment, trying to form an appropriate response for the young girl in front of her.

"That's because…" she trailed off. A burning fire and calming forest, in unison, blinked patiently up at her. She sighed, giving up on the lie she had been forming in her mind. Vivio always got what she wanted from Fate-mama, after all.

"Uncle Yuuno loves Nanoha-mama very much, Vivio-chan. That's why they want to spend as much time together as possible," she finally answered, managing to keep her voice from cracking too badly. She refused to say anything about Nanoha loving Yuuno in turn. The familiar dull ache in her chest throbbed as she tried to keep her facial features from giving anything away.

"Does Nanoha-mama not love Fate-mama or Vivio as much, then? I miss Nanoha-mama," she questioned sadly, burying her face in her mother's chest. Ever since the ferret and Nanoha had started dating, the normally very loving mother had spent less and less time with her daughter, so much so that the enforcer had come home once to find her daughter sitting dejectedly in the living room with a permission slip for a field trip in her hands. She was debating whether or not she needed to  _bother_  Nanoha-mama with asking her to sign it. Needless to say, Fate had been silently fuming at Nanoha while she herself took the slip and signed it. She made sure to give the instructor an earful once she came home.

That night had ended rather badly.

The older blonde ran her hands through Vivio's hair soothingly, thinking carefully about what to say next.

"Nanoha-mama loves Vivio-chan very much, more than she loves anyone else in the world. Don't you ever forget that, alright?" she assured the girl, repressing her own emotions that threatened to burst out at her own statement.

Much to her surprise, Vivio wrapped her arms around her mother's neck, capturing the mage in a hug.

"What about Fate-mama?" she asked again. The enforcer silently cursed, for she had hoped to avoid answering that question. Her daughter was at the age where her sharp mind really started to show, as well as her perception in certain matters.

She cleared her throat and pulled the girl away from her neck to stare straight into the different colored orbs of her daughter's eyes, different ones that must never be mixed together, lest one destroys the other. "Listen," she said, "and don't forget what I'm about to say okay?"

She received a nod.

"Good," she sighed. "Vivio-chan, Nanoha-mama loves Fate-mama, and you should never doubt that." But it was not the love that she wanted, the love she would never get.

"Uhn," the girl replied.

Seeing the absolute belief and trust in her daughter's eyes, she felt something break inside of her, like the snap of a string once the tension was too much for it to bear. It was at that moment that she decided that she couldn't do this anymore; she couldn't pretend to be a part of the Takamachi family any longer. She had contemplated leaving before, many times, and now enough was enough. Vivio's smiles and laughs were too much to bear, for every movement and gesture that she made was reminiscent of Nanoha's. Just the thought of Nanoha caused the blonde to want to lock herself in a dark room and punch the walls down. Not that she would be able to, of course, because she still needed to fulfill her duties that she committed herself to.

Much to her own surprise, her voice stayed steady as she made her decision.

"Vivio-chan," she began, staring into her daughter's unwavering eyes, "Fate-mama can't be your mama anymore."

"Eh?" the little girl asked. She tilted her head as she crunched her eyebrows together in a questioning manner, staring into her mother's burgundy eyes.

"Normally, Vivio-chan," she explained, "People have one mama and one papa. No one has two mamas."

There was a pause.

"Then Vivio is special, because she has two mamas?"

That was it. That was the last straw.

There was flash of emotion inside her. For a moment,  _for a fraction of a second_ , she wanted to horribly  _mangle_  the child in front of her.

She separated herself from Vivio in a panic. Her entire body shook as she stared, wide-eyed, at the confused girl in front of her, lying in the spot on the couch where Fate had thrown her.

"I-I… I think it's best if Yuuno became your papa, Vivio," the woman stammered out as she got up off the couch.

"What? Fate-mama," she asked, "why are you acting like this?"

Those innocent eyes. Those  _eyes_. They weren't the same color as the blue she loved, but they held the same understanding and love in them, the love that she hated but needed so much anyways.

Breaking her gaze, Fate refused to look back at the girl. She quickly walked out and strode up the stairs to the second floor, quietly replying with an "I'm not your mama anymore". In a frenzy, she threw all of her possessions into a suitcase, ignoring the disorderly mess forming that would surely cause her a headache later on.

The woman all but ran down the stairs once she had everything. Not another moment could be spent in this home that wasn't hers.

Blocking her way out, however, was Vivio, wearing an expression that Fate thought she would never see on such a young and innocent face.

Before she could say anything, the younger of the two spoke.

"I don't understand why Uncle Yuuno has to be my papa," the little Takamachi stated. Fate tried to say something, but the older woman was cut off. "I understand, though, that you don't want me to know why."

She needed to leave now, before she could regret her decision, before she could  _hesitate_. She must not stay, for the safety of her precious… of Nanoha's precious daughter.

"Fate-mama will always be Fate-mama. She will leave often and not be home for the longest time, but she will always come back and be Vivio's mama. So will Fate-mama promise me that she will come back again, just like always?"

Without meaning to, the words "I promise" flew out of her mouth. Slowly, the child, who was wise beyond her years, stepped away from the door and hugged her mama one last time.

Ms. Harlaown was out the door soon after.

Walking away, she cleared her mind and focused on getting into the car. Every step she took seemed to make her surroundings blurrier and less defined than the moment before. The trees became senseless green and brown blobs and the grass melted into a fuzzy, uneven blanket. Eventually, the scenery faded away into blackness, and then she was falling, falling, falling…

Suddenly she was in a bed, sitting up and gasping for breath.

"Damn it, why did I have to dream about that day out of all days?" she darkly muttered, burying her face in her hands and massaging her temple. She noticed that there was blood on her hands from earlier. The red stain mesmerized her, and she felt a primal being inside of her stir at the sight.

It wanted more.

She grimaced and got up, willing her feet to take her to the bathroom so she could rinse the blood off. Shaking the sleepy mugginess off, she stumbled and tripped over something on the floor. There was a loud "thwack" as her head hit the doorframe of the washroom, followed by a curse and cries of pain. Blood was trickling down her face again, and it came down continuously, almost like the way water poured steadily down a stream.

Licking her lips, she tasted the salty, metallic substance.

As if a dam had broken, all the feelings and pain that she had held back now rushed forward in a surge of tears. It seemed fate was determined to make her suffer. And as she lay there crying and bleeding, she felt a new emotion take hold.

Hopelessness.

* * *

"Fate Testarossa Harlaown, reporting for duty, ma'am," she saluted. Commander Yagami stared disbelievingly at the woman in front of her.

"Fate, what are you-"

"Despite what happened," the enforcer said, a moment from the past flashing before her eyes, "I will continue my duties as a responsible officer should."

Rein stared worriedly at her master, who had suddenly started shaking.

"Despite what happened?" the woman, who was normally cheerful, asked, her voice cracking on the last word. She slammed her palms onto the hard wooden desk in front of her, filling the room with a sharp smacking sound.

Blank, emotionless burgundy eyes stared. Hayate knew, as a close childhood friend, that those red eyes were once vibrant with love and glinted with a hidden mischief that only her friends could spot.

"Fate, someone dying in front of you is not something to be taken so lightly," she stated, voice going dangerously low.

"Lanster-san died honorably in the line of duty-"

"Teana died saving your sorry, pathetic ass!" Hayate screamed, reaching across her desk to grab the front of Fate's uniform. She shook the emotionless woman heavily, perhaps believing that it would shake some sense into her. "She saved you from being shot by some sniper lying in wait outside the base! Because you were so damn distracted by your own pity party, you allowed your own emotions to run amok on a mission! A goddamn mission, Fate! Do you hear me, do you?"

There were tears streaming down the commander's face. She silently cried as she glared into those same  _uncaring_  and  _distant_  eyes.

"I am entirely responsible for the incident-"

"Don't you  _dare_ ," she growled, "say another word. Get out. Get out, and don't come back until you realize what you have done."

Fate merely nodded, turned around, and walked out. Stepping out the door, she heard Rein trying to comfort her master while the triple S-ranked mage cried.

Briefly, the old Fate inside of her wished for someone that would be able to hold her while she cried, too. The feeling vanished just as quickly as it had come, though.

No one knew what really happened. Only Fate would know that Teana died because she had been pushed, accidentally, into the line of enemy sniper fire. Only Fate would know what Teana's face had looked like at the moment the bullet went through her heart. Only Fate would enjoy the sheer  _terror_  and  _disbelief_  in the younger woman's eyes as her life ended.

Of course the Lightning mage had known there were snipers out there. That was why she had taken Teana outside during the little argument that they had had.

Maybe the blonde hadn't done it so "accidentally" after all?

* * *

She knew Nanoha would be with Subaru. Neither of them heard her arrive, as Subaru's sobs and wailing were much too loud to be able to hear much else.

"How does it feel to lose the one you love?" the strangely cheerful woman taunted, grinning wildly.

They both jumped at the soft, yet sadistic, voice. Nanoha, being the soldier that she was, transformed immediately into her barrier jacket as she turned around to face the speaker of the voice, while Raising Heart shifted into staff mode.

Blue eyes widened in astonishment.

"F-Fate?" she stammered out. Fate's grin, if anything, grew bigger. In response to this, Subaru let out an involuntary whimper, frightened out of her mind to see such a powerful mage grinning in such a manner.

"Harlaown-san?" the youngest woman meekly asked, holding back her tears.

The Lightning mage only chuckled in response, unnerving the two in front of her even more. Without warning, the fastest mage in existence swatted Raising Heart away with the back of her hand and, using her speed, appeared behind Nanoha. She whispered straight into the brunette's ear, saying, "Hello, Instructor Takamachi."

The woman addressed spun around, alarmed. Fate's actions, which had already been strange for the past few months, just crossed the boundary of "safe and stable" behavior.

She gritted her teeth and raised Raising Heart in a threatening manner.

However, she was stopped before she could do anything else. Yellow binds flew out from a magic circle beneath her feet and trapped her arms to her sides, keeping the White Devil effectively in place.

This was not good. This was very, very bad.

Fate was further agitating the distraught Nakajima, now that the Ace of Aces was properly subdued. "Why, I wonder," she laughed, "are you so afraid?"

The questioner received no response. Nanoha tried saying something, but the minute she opened her mouth, another bind sealed her lips shut.

"Nakajima-san, I've only come to tell you good news. There's nothing to be afraid of. You see, love is such a pain. Love creates hate, and hate creates love in turn. With this logic, the world is only going around in an endless cycle of misery. And you know what Lanster-san's last words were? Something about loving you, Subaru," she rambled, completely ignoring the gasp that came out of the crying woman's mouth. "She could have said anything she wanted to in her last few breaths, but she chose to say something like that to me. Why, I wonder?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, a few minutes later, Subaru finally got her mouth working properly, and asked, "Teana… loved me?"

Fate's eyebrow twitched. "Did you even listen to a word I said?"

Clearly not.

"Fine. I'll just continue." The A-rank mage didn't move a muscle. Fate went on. "So, yes, love is hate and hate is love. It seems Lanster-san hated you enough to love you. But you know what? I loved Lanster-san enough to hate her. So I did what was best for everyone. I shoved her right into the open, where those silly snipers could take her out with their long ranged weapons like the cowards they were."

Subaru's eyes flashed gold. "What did you say?" she asked, fists clenching in an effort to calm herself down.

"Are you deaf, Nakajima-san? I said I  _shoved_  Lanster-san into the sniper's line of fire."

The older and more experienced mage dodged the punch that came her way, easily slipping behind the berserk cyborg. The blonde continued to talk as if nothing had happened, despite the fact that she had put her barrier jacked on.

"Yes, so I was doing you a favor, Nakajima-san. Don't you see? I've freed you from the shackles of love, shackles that would have caused you much grief, despair, agony, and pain!"

Subaru screamed and threw wild punches at the gleeful woman, which were easily dodged, as they were filled with power but lacked the precision needed to hit such a fast person.

"Now you're much better off. There would have been nothing but trouble if Lanster-san had come back. You don't have to worry yourself about Lanster-san cheating on you, or spend days at home where you wait patiently for her to come back when she leaves the house. There will be no arguments over silly things, such as money management and furniture arrangements. Much frustration over such pointless things is avoided," Testarossa listed, still dodging all over the place. It was a good thing they were in a secluded area, otherwise someone would have noticed the destruction by now.

If anything, the cyborg started attacking with even more fury than before.

"Oh, I suppose those things are something to look forward to, rather than hate. Well, then, I'll just give you one more thing to think about: Love will always eventually lead to suffering. So all you had to look forward to, in the end, was heartbreak. One of you had to die first, after all, even if you both lived to be gray-haired old women," the calm woman stated.

Acting completely out of character, Subaru stopped her onslaught of attacks. She breathed heavily as her body moved up and down with every breath she took. Her eyes flickered back and forth between blue and gold.

Perhaps those words had done their job.

Fate stopped moving as well. The two stood facing each other, one with a completely relaxed profile while the other was sweating profusely.

The powerful mage spread her arms out wide, a motion one would normally see a person doing right before they enveloped someone in a hug. It was a beckoning motion, almost as if her body was saying, "Come at me."

"I killed Lanster-san. So it's only fair for you to kill me, then," Testarossa invited.

The cyborg took a step forward, then hesitated.

"Come on. Do it," Fate commanded.

Subaru never had a chance to. Pink binds encircled her and trapped her in place. Burgundy eyes, glinting angrily, quickly looked over to where the White Devil had been captured. Nanoha wasn't there.

The instructor was up in the air, pink orbs floating around her, ready to fire at a moment's notice. However, Fate already had Bardiche out in scythe mode, its yellow blade up against Subaru's neck.

"Takamachi-san, I'm afraid you have five seconds to kill me before I take Nakajima-san's head off."

Blue eyes stared in shock down at her, the calm-ocean color turning stormy and turbulent.

"Fate, don't do this. I already stopped Subaru from doing something you'd both regret-"

"Five."

"Fate, please, I don't-"

"Four."

"Oh god, please, just step away from-"

"Three."

"Please, I'm begging you-"

"Two."

"Fate, don't force me to-"

"One."

A pink orb went through the enforcer's chest.

Bardiche clattered to the ground, disturbing the sudden silence. Blood was trickling out of Fate's mouth now, the red liquid falling down onto her mage uniform. A gloved hand clenched the area around the hole in her torso.

Finally, that throbbing pain in her chest, which had been trapped in there for so long, was now free.

Crying, the killer came down and landed a few feet in front of her dying friend. The smiling, cheerful, and happy Fate that Nanoha had known seemed like a dream from another life time.

"What happened to you, Fate?" she whispered, voice cracking and unsteady with sobs.

Fate laughed.

"I fell in love with you, that's what."

Those were the last words that would come from Fate's mouth.

She thought it was fitting.

**Author's Note:**

> Yup, so here's my "Fate goes crazy and dies" story. Blame this on Jokul from the Nanofate chat.
> 
> For those of you who have a lot of free time on their hands, reread the beginning of the story. There's so much foreshadow there that it almost hurts me to look at it. I think I might have overdone that a little bit. Haha.
> 
> Anyways, thanks to Titi for reading it the first time (though your feedback didn't really help me much, haha, but that's okay) and letting me know that the scene between Vivio and Fate reminded her somewhat of Fate and Precia. It gave me a summary idea. Also, thanks to Ayamari, who's awesome editor skills have come in handy once again. You're too awesome, kiddo.
> 
> Please review and tell me, did you like it? Did you hate it? Do I deserve to die for killing Fate and Teana off? Well, I sure hope I don't. Let's just say that they're having a party in heaven or something.


End file.
